Paradox Games, Cheesecake's godawful AARs and the like

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

I know at least a few of us are into Paradox strategy games. So here's a thread for it.

To start us off I will be posting the very start of my newest RP game as the user created Earl Matthew Hastings of Northumbria

That's this guy here:

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As any of you who play CKII would notice this fine fellow has godly stats. The reason for that will become apparent shortly...

Right out the gate I got our fine lad married to the first highborn girl on the list who would say yes.

Which is this lovely lady here:

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Princess Maria Arpad of Hungary who has gotten some amazing genetic traits this time around... I'm sure that rampant paranoia won't be a problem at all.

Our poor Earl Matthew finds himself with one of the most hated characters in the CKII world as his immediate liege lord!

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That's right! Morcar of York *Or Deira as Paradox has decided to call it this time* Also known as "That bastard who never ever let my poor Saxon game have any peace" and "Duke Morcar the asshole". Arbitrary, Ambitious, and with delusions of scheming this guy will be nothing but trouble for the current king of jolly old England...

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Harold II Godwinson King of England, the RNG has been unkind to poor Harold's stats this time around, especially considering the TWO separate invasions he has to deal with...

Our first invader hailing from the frozen north:

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That's right folks we've got Harald Hardrade *Or Hard Ruler* a bona fide veteran of the Varangian Guard from far off Constantinople and current ambitious invader of England. Harald's got great martial skills and thousands of angry Norwegians to help him press his claim on England, and if that wasn't bad enough we're also being invaded by some filthy Norman bastard from... well Normandy!

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Yep William the Bastard himself! Blessed by good stats and traits by the RNG and with many French Vikings at his disposal William is looking to trade up to a better nickname "The Conqueror" perhaps...

Will Morcar fuck everything up for Harold? Will the Norwegians take England? What about the Normans? We'll find out!

Cheesecake's disgusting Anglo-Saxon run begins!

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Earl Matthew's adventures continue. Today's Episode


Harold Godwinson is the Luckiest son of a bitch in Europe!

At the end of the last installment England looked to be in dire straits. This ended up getting resolved in thoroughly boring fashion. William the Bastard ended up pissing off his king somehow and died in the dungeon. So yaaaay...

Harald at least put up more of a fight...

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Till he got killed by some random a few weeks into the war. His son took over and proved to be utterly awful at the whole leading armies thing. So England was saved in the most anti-climactic manner possible.

Kind of a short one. The next episode will be better though. It has Galahad, pregnancies, and Jihads!

[DarkStorm]

I really wish I could play CK2, I make a game and I look at the screen and I'm like wtf should I be doing.

[Croatsky]

I really wish I could play CK2, I make a game and I look at the screen and I'm like wtf should I be doing.

Pick Tutorial Isla... I mean, Irish count and just wing it. Really, it is the best place to learn the game and you'll really only learn the game properly buy trial and error.

Youtube tutorials do help to learn basics at first.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

I really wish I could play CK2, I make a game and I look at the screen and I'm like wtf should I be doing.

Pick Tutorial Isla... I mean, Irish count and just wing it. Really, it is the best place to learn the game and you'll really only learn the game properly buy trial and error.

Youtube tutorials do help to learn basics at first.

This is pretty much it. There are a few people that have done CKII series on YT either individually or in multiplayer that I would consider properly educational.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

My RP game died in a fire that is smallpox.

On the upside the new epidemics are actually a threat!

[RedTracer7]

Here's my current character right now, an absolutely great Tribal Pagan Slavic King of Pomerania and Poland, united under his glorious rule.

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But the old ways are dying. Christianity continues to move east, and within my kingdom itself, as men young and old turn towards this new Crucified God. Already traveling holy men inhabit my lands like a plague, preaching and converting as they go. Undoubtedly, were I to fall, the last bulwark against their spread would fall as well.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Honestly I kind of feel bad for the Slavic Pagans. The Romuva and "Germanics" start with the majority of their holy sites close to them, the Soumenesko sites are spread out sure but mostly in pagan hands.

The Slavic sites though... All over the place.

[RedTracer7]

Honestly I kind of feel bad for the Slavic Pagans. The Romuva and "Germanics" start with the majority of their holy sites close to them, the Soumenesko sites are spread out sure but mostly in pagan hands.

The Slavic sites though... All over the place.

One is down in like-- BULGARIA!

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Real talk I plan on writing something legit for this once the Elder Kings mod is updated.

I just can't stomach vanilla CKII anymore.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

This won't be a particularly long one. But over the next week or two I will relay the tale of this absolute madman. Who made the Roman Empire great again.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Fucking FINALLY!

[magnuskn]

I guess the tale was: "He came, he did, he fucking FINALLY won!"? :p

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

I guess the tale was: "He came, he did, he fucking FINALLY won!"? :p

We won in all the right provinces. We have the best Legions. The most beautiful roads you've ever seen.

Ming China was such a bitch to conquer.

Because they had so many valuable provinces I could only eat them a half dozen at a time. Took over a century to conquer them.

[magnuskn]

They had a wall. It was huge. Beautiful. Still, we won bigly. We made them pay for it.

Signed,

Emperor Donaldus Maximus Trumpus

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

They had a wall. It was huge. Beautiful. Still, we won bigly. We made them pay for it.

Signed,

Emperor Donaldus Maximus Trumpus

I made sure my last emperor in CKII got the immortal trait.

A God Emperor if you will..

[magnuskn]

Well, that would be an interesting origin story for 40K. :p

[TLock]

The god emperor lives?

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Even better. This God Emperor didn't wait for humanity to fuck itself over before taking the reins.

[Augustei]

Damn Tiber Septim makes it look easy, It took him 42 years to conquer the continent, i managed to get this far in the same time.


As to the name? Well I lacked creativity at the time and just finished watching The Hobbit.

I'm thinking my ruler will likely die before I finish up this conquest, next time I'm thinking its time to give the Dunmer a go at ruling the continent, then to Akavir.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_uLx-lgEMw

It's shit like this that makes me love Paradox.

[Mazder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_uLx-lgEMw

It's shit like this that makes me love Paradox.

That shit is 100% true.

And I love these Paradox history examples.
I kinda wanted to make some higher quality ones back in the day but I couldn't be arsed.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Not gonna lie. Every now and then I'll just spend 20 minutes or so going through EUIV and HOI meme videos.

Don't see many for CKII though.

[Mazder]

Not gonna lie. Every now and then I'll just spend 20 minutes or so going through EUIV and HOI meme videos.

Don't see many for CKII though.

Same. You can get on such a roll with those things.

yeah CK2 does seem to have less. I don't know why, maybe it's the style of game?

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

EUIV and HOI have the longest history with Paradox. Most of EUIV's memes for example date back to EUIII, Maybe even EUII.

CKII doesn't seem to have as many memes.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Been a good campaign so far.

Vassaled Toulouse, Transylvania, Granada, and Portugal.

[TLock]

EUIV and HOI have the longest history with Paradox. Most of EUIV's memes for example date back to EUIII, Maybe even EUII.

CKII doesn't seem to have as many memes.

To be fair I always love watching the CK2 game trailers. I find them quite a good representation of the game

As for HOI4, nice vid. In all my games there is always a 60% chance the axis wins depending on how quickly Russia begins to join the war. In all my games I tend to favor fascist governments, love the extra boost of troops you can get XD

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Hahahahha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

That truce end date...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y23WN9t_WVU

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Well this took a turn.

[UNiT]

[TLock]

Lol, how did you do that as Poland?

[UNiT]

You are joking right? The AI is dumb as fuck. Just cede Danzig to Germany and prepare for war with the soviets. Build the polish Maginot line on the USSR border and garrison it with around 60 20 width divisions of infantry. Have the field marshal with entrancement bonus and just sit and relax sipping on preferred drink till the soviets suicide on your wall. I think I had like 5k casualties and they had like 10 million dead before I decided to push and end it.

[TLock]

You are joking right? The AI is dumb as fuck. Just cede Danzig to Germany and prepare for war with the soviets. Build the polish Maginot line on the USSR border and garrison it with around 60 20 width divisions of infantry. Have the field marshal with entrancement bonus and just sit and relax sipping on preferred drink till the soviets suicide on your wall. I think I had like 5k casualties and they had like 10 million dead before I decided to push and end it.

You have better luck than me then. I had butt ducked by both Russia and Germany after I seceded it. I held up well at first, but then the Germans transported a shit to of troops to their German Polish territory on the tip...the war lasted 6 months :'(

[UNiT]

You are joking right? The AI is dumb as fuck. Just cede Danzig to Germany and prepare for war with the soviets. Build the polish Maginot line on the USSR border and garrison it with around 60 20 width divisions of infantry. Have the field marshal with entrancement bonus and just sit and relax sipping on preferred drink till the soviets suicide on your wall. I think I had like 5k casualties and they had like 10 million dead before I decided to push and end it.

You have better luck than me then. I had butt ducked by both Russia and Germany after I seceded it. I held up well at first, but then the Germans transported a shit to of troops to their German Polish territory on the tip...the war lasted 6 months :'(

Well your doing something wrong if both Germany and Soviets invade you. You should sign the anti Comintern pact when Germans offer it for opinion boost and give Danzig to them after that they will completely forget about you and go for France so you can focus on preparing for soviet invasion.

[TLock]

Will try that, but you are right. I cannot Poland ball right.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Tbh you just tell the Germans and Soviets to fuck off then conquer the world with WINGED HUSSARS.

[UNiT]

Tbh you just tell the Germans and Soviets to fuck off then conquer the world with WINGED HUSSARS.

That would be nice but unfortunately You don't have enough factories to arm enough divisions and build enough defense to fight on 2 fronts.

[Grand Admiral Cheesecake]

Tbh you just tell the Germans and Soviets to fuck off then conquer the world with WINGED HUSSARS.

That would be nice but unfortunately You don't have enough factories to arm enough divisions and build enough defense to fight on 2 fronts.

Nah man. You gotta go full Sabbaton. Build all dem factories. Then butcher the world. As Poland should. Go full Meme.

[UNiT]

Tbh you just tell the Germans and Soviets to fuck off then conquer the world with WINGED HUSSARS.

That would be nice but unfortunately You don't have enough factories to arm enough divisions and build enough defense to fight on 2 fronts.

Nah man. You gotta go full Sabbaton. Build all dem factories. Then butcher the world. As Poland should. Go full Meme.

If it were only possible.

[TLock]

I know its not related to the thread, I recently got Warhammer total war (way better than expected) and I was in the middle of the most amazing fight. Full armored dwarfs vs a zombie and skeleton army for the Von Carsteins. Battle lasts a good 30 min, my battle lines are crumbling, my necro is raising the dead as if he were popping pills. Left flank is nearly gone except for Isabella and Banshee hammering the dwarfs half dead lord. 2 minutes later the right flank goes into serious danger as it collapses and my necro is exposed, to save himself he tries to raise skeletons. Fails the case because the wind dropped one point, turn to raise zombies and run to safety. Check left flank I begin to see a glimmer of hope, the dwarf leader is dead. Tears of joy begin to form as the left flank slowly crumbles...confusion soon comes as the game begins to slow, dread then settles in as as the game crashes. Here is to that battle that never was :'(

[Augustei]

This game really demonstrates the horrors of the black death. Just imagine being my ruler


*shudders*
Muh pickled boars heads *sheds tear*

[Augustei]

Also idk how it happened, but Sicily is ruled by a lunatic bear now


...He ate the Byzantine Empress alive. Not one to be toyed with

[Augustei]

Think he's trying to tell me something....

[Joblom]

I love Crusader Kings II. It was a bit intimidating to get into at first, but I'm not good at it now. Really though, I bought for the "Game of Thrones" mod. At the moment I'm waiting for the mod to be patched since the release of the latest DLC. I finally started writing 'historical accounts' of my games. Pretty easy to alt-tab out during a game and note down dates of children's births and notable events, and writing biased summaries of events that portray my current lord and dynasty in a positive light.

[Joblom]

The latest version of the Game of Thrones mod is out. A few more bugs to iron out, but there always are. I'm enjoying it a lot. Holy Fury was also a nice addition.

[Mazder]

What the fuck happened here?!?!





So, to start in 1939 Mexico declares war on ME, the UK, who holds a India, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Canada AND has an alliance as the Allies with France.
Then the BeNeLux join in on my side. Then the Soviets. Then Japan (who had already had a civil war and was now democratic). Guatemala, Panama, Columbia and even Ireland get called in.
So I said fuck it and let the colonies deal with it while I built them and my professional army up to tackle the big threat in the room. The colonies hold, take forever to do anything and eventually end up calling in Korea and France turns Communist. By this time it's 1941 and I am ready to trigger the Imperial conference.
Then Mexico declares war in the USA.
Big mistake.
While the Mexican army then looks at it's giant neighbour I then take control of the colonial forces directly and eat Mexico.

I then do my Imperial reforms over the next year and a half and manage to get the Commonwealth of Nations made by late 1943. Kinda early but still okay.
Then the Axis finally wakes up. By this time Denmark, Norway and Finland had all joined the Allies too, the BeNeLux had actually formed properly and we pretty much destroyed the Axis right quick. The time is now 1946.
Soviet Russia looks hungry, attacks the lands now given to Denmark and Me. America looks suspiciously out of the Allies. They're probably going to got o war with me to get Mexico and Canada.
Soviets get destroyed by me, Denmark and Japan.
America then goes to War. Tanks us ALL in the allies for YEARS.
The war with the USA lasted from 1947 to 1951!
What's crazier is that they were allied with communist China, who were nestled right in the centre of China at the time in 3 tiny mountain provinces.

Eventually we won, I took the USA because fuck you I want my colonies back, rule Britannia, etc, and then the game ended in 1951.

I....I'm not good at this game or this'd have been a lot cleaner....

[Mazder]

Cursed.